![]() ![]() I lost relationships with family members for reasons varying from disgust to just a little too much interest. Not due to any form of abuse that I was even aware of at the time, but for the way I was brainwashed to think about my work by my 'partner.' I was with a woman who treated me as if I was cheating every time I went to work, but expected to ride on my coattails for the entire misadventure. I was in a relationship at the time that later proved to be more damaging than anything I ever experienced directly on set. During the onset of my career, I experienced some of the darkest periods in my life. I was so naive to believe that, as a 19-year-old female, I could come in and skip the ringer. Corrupt agents, unprofessional directors, shady performers, creepy location owners, the list goes on. Over the years, I learned through observation and mistakes just how many downfalls and manipulations there are to avoid, not just as a teenage girl, but for everyone in the industry. What people outside porn often miss is that in a state of hopelessness and stress, the idea of finding and spending money on a mental health professional - who very well may just judge you, and tell you that your job is the problem - seems quite impossible and terrifying, not to mention outright unaffordable in an industry where health insurance benefits are few and far between. Anyone in my position at the time would've need that, but looking back at myself as an overwhelmed teen, I clearly could not see that. ![]() I needed someone who didn't want to gain anything from me. I was missing one of the most important resources I could have had at the time, which is a wellspring of true love and support. ![]() The vast majority of adults around me had one of two reactions when they discovered my new job some were concerned and urged me to quit, while others saw an opportunity to benefit off of me, my body, and my work. At first, I couldn't understand why - it seemed like such a great job to me. Soon, though, I learned that the average time for a female performer to stick around was about a year. I wanted to destigmatize the career and empower women to make porn. I was a young feminist with strong goals, and I wasn't about to let anyone take advantage of me. When I was 19, I tossed myself into the adult entertainment world head-first. The age of consent to participate in the industry is 18. In porn, unfortunately those safety blankets and life lines are removed. When there is a serious problem in school, you can go to a caring staff member, ideally one trained to handle mental health and conflict resolution issues. In high school, many kids are lucky enough to have supporting family members to get them through hard times, or at least recognize struggle from a loving and outside perspective. As of recently, the rate of suicide amongst young women in porn has spiked to epidemic levels. Thinking of the adult film community in that light is the most simple way to understand why there are so many mental health issues rising within the industry, especially as social media becomes increasingly omnipresent in our lives daily. The biggest difference is that in porn we are all getting paid to have sex with each other, then exploit it all over the internet. There are cliques, hierarchies, bullies, creeps, jocks, and - of course - the hottest cheerleaders of all time. Ever since I moved to Los Angeles and started doing porn full time, roughly five years ago, I have always compared it to high school. ![]()
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